My Wish…

Remember when we were children how we would wish for things that we thought were so important whether it was a new barbie, GI Joe, Easy Bake Oven, Action Toys, record player, records, and the list could go on and on lol. As you age, those wishes change too. Some are life changing, some are never answered, and some are heartbreaking.

I will be having surgery on October 3rd and will begin my long journey. Physically and emotionally, I am in a really great place. I’ve had a major increase of pain and eyes watering terribly making it even harder to see but easy to handle knowing help is coming on the 3rd. I’ve gotten my room ready except for a few things I can’t do until closer to my surgery. Been slowly buying some easy things for me to eat that are quick and easy although I’m not really worried about that as Tom is an EXCELLENT smoker and I see some goodies coming my way while healing lol. Love my Smoked BBQ Beef and Pork. Some things you just can’t take away from the country, and all the farm goodies I’m used too. Between you and me, the bbq is just NOT the same out here lol But Virginia can put on the seafood fixins being so close to the ocean. Of course, residual Hurricane weather does affect us at times but we are far enough in, that so far for us, nothing major and hope that continues!

We have found what we hope will become our RV. We put a deposit down but we hired a RV inspector to check it all out before closing the deal. We aren’t too worried but better safe than sorry. They are private owners and have taken very good care of it so we are getting excited. I believe Tom said we will know for sure after the report on the 25th so keep your fingers crossed for us. After we know, I will share our plans with it, I just can’t let myself talk about it too much until it’s for sure lol. Don’t want to jinx it!!

Now for the serious stuff. Remember, When I started this journey, I was going to be honest, open and share the good, the bad and the scary. So in saying that, there have been a few things on my mind so going to share that as this is also a release for me with my thoughts, in everything I’m experiencing as this will be a life long journey but will have better days!

I chose this song today called My Wish by Rascal Flatts. I’ve been thinking of a few things that I wished for if something would happen to me. I try not to talk about those things as I like to show them strength so they can not worry. I’m not even sharing this blog until I’ve come through my first surgery and on the mend for awhile so they can look back and realize just how much I truly love them. I would rather carry the pain, the fear, the unknown, than to have it be on their mind constantly until we get through the worst of it.

So here are my wishes:

Tom, if something would happen, I want you to find happiness. Real happiness like we have. I don’t want you lonely, alone, or die of a broken heart. I’m doing this for me, yes, but I’m doing it because I don’t not want to see your face again. I’m slowly losing it now and it breaks my heart. As much as I want to laugh and say crap, I would even encourage you to find a partner to enjoy your dreams and have her fulfill the ones I might not get. You’re so loving, smart, kind, and your heart is so full of love but you’ve never had the opportunity to show your real worth but I thank God everyday that I was the lucky one to receive your heart and I couldn’t be happier. Life is too short not to be happy. Go for it! Do what you want to do! Go where you want too! Just be happy my love.

For my daughter:

Honey, life is so easy to get wrapped up in what is going on today in your busy life, just don’t forget how important time spent with loved ones are and how they are so precious and rare. Go through the containers and cherish the memories that they contain. Be proud to display, share or keep them close to your heart. I regret we didn’t make the time to do that but we’ve all had a lot of change in this transition with us moving here etc. I wish we could have shared more time sharing memories, laughing and crying over pictures of your grandparents and hearing my stories about times long before you were even thought of. Don’t be afraid to laugh more, enjoy the simple things, go on the deck in the spring or summer and while it’s raining and just play in the rain. Take Andrey out there and find your happiness in the silly things. Your’e both so young, just make sure to enjoy life with out needing “stuff” to do that. Remember, you don’t need a building over your head in order to have a relationship with God. He is always with you wherever you are. He just waits for you to talk to him. As you get older, you will realize more how important that is. I ask one thing of you that is very important to me. Once a week, call your Dad and let him know your thinking of him and love him. As we get older, we need that. When you don’t have big families, sometimes old age can be a lonely place. Call your nephew frequently also as he needs that support and help growing up. I will always love you and be looking over you.

Karin: I wish we had met earlier in life as I know we would have had some wonderful memories, but will take what I can get. Thank you for being a wonderful sister in law and for Emily and her sharing her family. I enjoy so much the pictures she post of the boys, and the activities they do. I already know that you're a good sister the way you check up on Wayne, but look after my baby. Things haven’t always gone the best for him with past relationships, but I’ve seen him grow so much, open his heart and he is a wonderful, loving man. Take care of him. Call him often. Encourage him to be happy and live out our dreams and his.

To my grandson: Your’e my life, my love, and my sweetest joy. Remember what Grandma has told you and the greatest gift you could ever give me is to do those things we talked about. You have a wonderful heart, so don’t let anyone trample on it. When you get scared, or sad, remember Grandma is always with you. When we aren’t able to talk on the phone, and you text, I save every I love you that you have sent me. I don’t erase them so that I can read them all and smile. You will always be Meemaw’s Boy!

To Mike: Take care of your dad. You both need each other in ways that I don’t think that you both even realize. Enjoy the camping, seeing the sights, enjoy what God has given us to experience while RVing. Look after one another, and know that I am thankful that I have gotten the chance to get to know you. I hope you know I’ve always been there for you and loved you as if you were my own son. Enjoy life and the blessings you will find on your journey. Know that I’m thinking of you and love you and will be watching over you and the boys.

To my son: Regardless of what choices you have made, a mother’s love never goes away. But I told you once that I had to love you enough to let you hate me. I did what I had too, to try and save you. Your choices are your own. But to my last breath, I will always love you. Please find a relationship with God so that I can see you again. I’d like to know that you found your peace.

Well, That’s all I really need to share. I hope that this won’t be necessary for many, many years to come but just in case something would happen, I want my thoughts known.

I think I will close this for the night. It’s a bit somber but peaceful. It feels good to share all the things that go through my mind and heart. When I do that, I feel like I’ve released things off my mind of what I’m thinking or worrying about being said. Thank you for understanding.